A Spartan Page

As in, a government run by hippos?

2012-02-10T09:32:00.001-05:00

So, for Dems today... half of the messaging is social conservatives are crazy-dangerous because they irrationally cling to moral codes to drive their positions on issues... and the other half is the rich don't pay their "fair" share in taxes, and that's not "right" and they "ought" to do be made to do more, because that's what's "just"? K, thankx.

Civ Rev Redux

2012-01-15T15:07:00.000-05:00

Thought of a couple more tips I'd neglected in my last post regarding Civilization Revolution tips... probably brought to mind again when I played 3 more times in the last day or so...

The advantage of having a democracy is that you get a big boost in science and gold production. The disadvantage is that the Congress won't let you break peace treaties or otherwise declare war unless attacked. There's an easy enough way around this so you get to get the benefits and circumvent the negative. Call for a change of government, launch your invasion during the brief anarchy, and then the next turn when it asks what kind of gov't you want, put in a democracy again. The congress will let you finish whatever war is underway when they come in. The penalty for having anarchy for 1 turn is pretty negligible, if anything in this game.

As you start getting towards the tailend of a longer game, you will have discovered all the scientific advances you'll ever need. In this case, go ahead and switch your gov't over to fundamentalism. Fundamentalism's + is added strength among your attacking armies, downside is libraries and universities fail to increase your knowledge. Well, if you've already got planes and tanks and such, you don't really need any more science... and the +1 boost to the invading and defending forces comes in handy!

Civ Rev... say it with me... Civ Rev... mmmm

2012-01-13T21:11:00.001-05:00

If you're anything like me... and hey, you've come this far... then you may have blown the last 25 years or so playing some iteration of the game Civilization. The latest crackesque addiction is Civilization Revolution, which is the game ported for the iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, etc. I suppose it's likely on Android too, but I don't know the first thing about Androids or give two craps about them, so... yeah.

Some tips for playing Civ Rev, and beating it...

If you're going for victory by way of domination (aka marching in and taking over all other countries), then work to get feudalism as soon as possible. There's a handful of pre-requisite technologies before you can get feudalism... Monarchy, Horseback Riding, Ceremonial Burial and Writing are among them. The thing is once your culture figures out feudalism you can start cracking out knights. Knights have an attack strength of 4. Put three knights together in an army and you've got at least 12 strength off the bat. Have your knight army get some experience knocking over Barbarian villages to become a veteran, fight till you can get them the power of infiltration, do any number of things and that knight army now has a power easily in the 30s. You have to go waaay into the game before you get the kind of defenses to regularly stop an invading force of that power, and since the computer players are less inclined to be thinking purely militarily you can really get at it. Till they start sending their own knights after yours. Knights ain't much for defense, sadly..
If you're playing the Attack of the Huns scenario, try playing as the Mongols. One of the quirks of the Mongols is every time they invade a Barbarian village, the Barbarians decide to join up with you. You'll have a huge map of cities in no time.
Know how much science you need. You only really need to discover everything if you're trying to win a scientific victory and get your spaceship built. If you're on the route to economic victory you only need to go so far as to figure out banking. If you're militarily inclined, you don't need more than infantry and artillery, and honestly can probably stop at Tank and still get by.. If you're going for a cultural victory (which ain't easy), the only thing you need is to be able to build cathedrals, which you get once you discover religion. After you have all the science you need, you can probably just go into each city and change the allocation of resource from science/research to MONEY makin'.
Whenever possible, make sure you found your city in a place that has both resources (stone tools icon) and food (green apples icon). Both are required, because otherwise a city can't produce anything or grow in population at all.
If you're playing the Beta Centauri scenario, make sure you switch all your cities over to producing cash instead of science. This scenario has you (and everyone else) already having all the attainable technologies, so you just lay into building your treasury instead and it's a fairly clear path to economic victory.
Try to hem in civilizations early so they can't expand. If there's a chokepoint on land -- say, a narrow passage that's the only way out, look to plunk down some settlers there. They'll have to declare war on you just to get past (and then, of course, stock up and be ready in case that does happen!)
Go find those Wonders of the World or whatever they're called. Do it quickly while they're still out there. Send out a little galley and see if you can find'em on another island, and once you have navigation you can start sending bigger ships into deeper waters. The prizes they give you --- a bunch of Great People, a pile of money, etc., are all great boosts.
Sometimes when you have a Great Person come into one of your cities, the option will be to instantly complete whatever you're working on. The other option will be something like "Let me think about that." Click on this option, then go into the control for that same city and change what you're working on to one of the Wonders... whichever one looks best for whatever paves your road to victory. Then select that Great Person AGAIN and tell him to instantly finish building THAT.

There are probably some other tips I could pass along, but that's ranty enough for now....

Among the things we learned from yesterday's NCAA champeenship....

2012-01-10T10:27:00.001-05:00

We can include in the list of revelations from yesterday's BCS thingy, we will always remember that...

...ummm...

We finally decided that LSU defensive end Barkevious Mingo belongs in the upper echelon of players named Barkevious ever to put on a collegiate uniform.

Tecmo Orange Bowl

2012-01-05T09:10:00.002-05:00

Seriously? I woke up to see that West Virginia scored 70 pts in the Orange Bowl last night? Ummm, damn.

I know ticket sales were slow, but did I miss the news that they were switching the OB to an arena football game?

Certainly doesn't make me feel much better about the 'Noles losing to Clemson. They seemed a fairly solid team earlier in the year, don't know what happened. Gotta feel bad for Clemsons and Clemdaughters who dropped a couple of thou to come down, get hotels and go to the game.

I mean, I'm happy they came... after all, their Ford pickup trucks with the shotgun rack and the sticker of Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo being in town for a week is what keeps me from having a state income tax. But still, that long trip home after an L sucketh.

Maybe if they just gave ME the millions...

2012-01-01T16:04:00.002-05:00

I've commented (complained?) here on the past before about Toyotathon Hondadays Chevypalooza advertisements. It just seems to be obnoxiously ever present, and I'm not even a little bit convinced it positively influences sales.

The new Volkswagen ads take this to a bizarre extra level of uselessness and general suckitude, though.

At first glance, the theme would certainly seem to be "People who are test driving our car at the dealership mistakenly think it's a car they own!! Hah!"

After you've seen the series a couple of hundred times, you may get what they're actually meaning to say... something about how the car is so easy to get initially in terms of down payments, they, umm, need to remind you that... you need to buy the car first then take it.

Regardless of what the subject is, I submit that I don't think the widely placed and regularly repeating TV spots will sell a single VW that wasn't highly likely to sell anyway.

That's the argument with these (mildly) humorous TV spots. You'll occasionally hear "Well hey they got you talking about it, didn't they? And isn't that the point?"

NO. It costs millions of dollars to create, cut and distribute these ads. VW is no happier that I'm here ranting into the ether over it. Advertising should move product.

I'm probably bitter, or at least biased, because advertising budgets are usually substantially larger than PR budgets. And this always seemed askew to me.

Let's say you see 15 tv ads with a singing cartoon chicken in a Chevy... then read an article where a journalist looks at and independently examines the benefits of a new Ford model in detail... which is more likely to loosen your ol' purse strings?

does this get me a sponsorship deal?

2011-12-28T00:30:00.000-05:00

Gotta say, if you work anywhere around downtown Miami, gotta try Mamas on Wheels (mamasonwheels.com) delivery lunch. Treat myself about once a month or so and I always am happy w/ the meals. Right size portions, some tasty sauces. It's a good option to mix in.

For a reallllly happy holidays...

2011-12-27T22:27:00.004-05:00

Christmas is behind us... no more egg nog (well, it's still there but I really ought to stop)... no more scrambling for presents, no more decorations...

... and no more of that 4G T-Mobile ad where I swear it sounds like they're saying "Walking in an orgy wonderland".

Your shirts are rallying against you

2011-09-20T08:45:00.001-05:00

I think it's a sign I'm too involved in politics. I get lists of requests from reporters looking for sources on stories. One came in with the title "Closet Organization". My first thought was this was something about secret societies, smoke-filled room stuff... a look at closeted organizations. Freemasons and all that.

It took me a minute to realize "Closet Organization" probably is a story about organizing your closet.

A new Helen Keller joke (no, really!)

2011-09-05T19:35:00.002-05:00

So I was playing this game called Apples to Apples, where everyone has an adjective (pretty, noisy, etc.), and you have a handful of nouns & proper nouns (ballerina, Canada, Rush Limbaugh, etc.). You have to play the noun that you think the judge will find the best or funniest fit.

The description was "Touchy-Feely".

Our little 10 year old player offered up as touchy-feely Helen Keller.

After about 2 solid minutes of laughter, we had to explain to her just why it was in fact so funny... she had no idea who Helen Keller was. She had read the little helpful description on the card that she was an accomplished author.

Well, yes, there's that...

25,000 Cent Pyramid

2011-08-23T11:08:00.001-05:00

"you left me in the trunk of a hot car in the sun in the middle of August in Miami, ya idiot."

"ummm... Things My Lunch Would Say!"

Even worse joke....

2011-07-26T15:50:00.004-05:00

Due to a paperwork error, when I took my car into be repaired the mechanic gave me a loner car.

It's pretty much the same as a regular car, except that when I park, it just sits on the other end of the parking lot away from all the other cars and sulks.

yuk yuk yuck

2011-07-24T14:34:00.002-05:00

New horrid pun in 3...2...

Kids today are increasingly using mobile technology to support their corner lemonade stands. iPhones can provide the kids with the recipes, help them track results, and even follow lemonade inventory.

Experts say the role of parents has been....

(ready?)

e-Lemonaded.

I hope they do the Macarena

2011-06-08T09:30:00.001-05:00

I got an evite to an event this weekend. Really? People still do that? I checked and it's not dated 1996.

Too bad because I was hoping we could get into a discussion of how Alanis Morrisette's album is about that guy from Full House and grumble about how AOL keeps sending us CDs.

It's a shame the service fell out of popularity, actually. As best as I could tell there wasn't anything particularly wrong with it. Free invites you can customize, track, e-mail out people reminders, etc... I think the only thing that really killed it was people were sending out spam that looked like evites. Basically the same thing that effectively stopped online birthday cards.

To Boldly Go Where Every Fan Has Gone Before

2011-05-30T10:21:00.004-05:00

So, doubt that I'm the first to do this... probably not the first to do it on a vanity blog, maybe not even the first to do it using blogger, but the SciFi Channel has been showing a marathon of all the Star Trek movies, in seemingly random order.

Some are really enjoyable, tight productions. Some are only for the dedicated fans. And some are unwatchable bilge. But, then, if you make more than a dozen of something that ain't cans of Coke, you're going to have some slippage.

Here's how I rank the films, with a few little notes as I remember them.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Trek: First Contact
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Star Trek (JJ Abrams version) -- there's a couple of flaws that really take down what could be a better movie. A long scene of Kirk drag racing in a stolen car would be mildly amusing if it weren't spoiled by being in the trailer for a year or so. Even so, the thought of someone 200 years from now considering a classic car being a joyride... I mean, it's not like kids today show their wild side by jacking a horse & buggy.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock --- this one ranks kind of middle of the road. There's nothing outwardly wrong about it, but also has no particular redeeming or memorable features. It's alright.

Star Trek: Generations --- Should be lower for the wasted use & travesty end to Kirk.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture --- this might have been a bit better if, say, about 35 minutes of establishing shots were taken out.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier --- Much has been written about the circumstances that killed this film. Industrial Light & Magic was unavailable to do the special effects, so it has some thin points. It had budget and writer problems so some scenes in the conclusion were cut. Shatner's ego probably transfers writ large on the screen. People acting out of character. But I think the biggest problem here is "Eddie & The Cruisers Syndrome". It's a solid set-up that fails to deliver on the potential it builds up.

Star Trek: Insurrection --- soap opery. Picard love stories made bad episodes, and this one's like a 2 hour long bad episode.

Star Trek Nemesis --- a lifeless, wandering film that's entirely too self-referential for (the end of) two series with plenty of other institutional knowledge to refer back to. Some hideous filming choices, a boring villain, a confusing rationale... and what the hell is a clone that doesn't look like the clonee?

I don't think I missed any.

mmmm ecodisaster

2011-05-10T07:48:00.002-05:00

2nd day of smoke coming in from a brushfire in the Everglades.

We oughta just replace the swamp with hickory trees instead of sawgrass. At least then the news would just be "Expect today to unexpectedly find yourself mildly hungry for BBQ."

they stole my idea....

2011-04-20T15:35:00.005-05:00

well, kinda.

My original screenplay was a movie about a royal facing the shame of his difficulty in successfully farming produce. It was going to be called............

(like you don't see this coming.............)

The King's Peach.

It was gonna be Patrick Swayze again....

2011-04-13T12:52:00.002-05:00

People magazine announced that Jennifer Lopez will be on their cover of the most beautiful people today or whatever it is they call it.

In other news, People magazine announced that it takes 8 years for them to write each issue. After the piece on Jennifer Lopez being hot, there's a really interesting feature on Lindsay Lohan's promising film career, and eager anticipation of what M. Night Shamalayan will direct next.

A Newt-ered Campaign

2011-04-03T17:11:00.011-05:00

As is often the case, the Onion has probably nailed the sentiment better than any news analyst could...
Even Newt Gingrich a Little Depressed By Prospect of Him Running for President

There are at least three reasons why the almost-entirely-soon-to-be-really-this-time official Newt Gingrich campaign for president is a bad idea. Either it's going to bomb now or bomb later, but either way it's a disaster so bad he might as well hire Irwin Allen to be his campaign manager. (True, Irwin Allen is currently mostly dead. But then, so is the campaign).

Of the three reasons, only one has really been discussed by media and commentators.

The obvious one is "the bio thing". 17 years passing since the Contract With America and taking back the House (wow, math makes me feel old), that doesn't change his history of divorces and infidelity and whatnot. Now, he didn't especially help his case by being on TBN or whatever it was saying his marriage broke up because of his overwhelming sense of patriotism and love of country. That was just a useless statement, which... if you listen to the larger explanation... is slightly less of a useless statement. Which leads me to

#2 he's a professor, and professors make crap politicians.

Politicians have to be able to say what they're gonna say in... well less words than this little rant, certainly. Professors have to fill 45 minutes or more. There's a reason why attorneys are often good in politics. Moving a jury plucked from the general public is a lot like moving the general public --- peppering them with nuggets they can remember always helps as their form opinions.

#3 He got outflanked by the Clintons. Badly.

When it came time to implement the Contract with America, drive a stake through the heart of wasteful government... and oh yeah bringing impeachment charges, there can be no real argument that the Clintons ran circles around Newt. So much so that it's basically what led to him leaving DC with tail firmly tucked.

Fast forward a couple of years, and the same Clinton machine was somewhat surprisingly taken out by Obama, Ivan Drago vs. Apollo Creed style.

So, now Newt, who lost badly to the guy who lost badly to the guy... wants to take on the team that whipped the team that whipped him.

It won't be pretty.

Or particularly enjoyable.

spambots gfy

2010-09-22T07:48:00.000-05:00

So, I had to delete one of my old posts that was just a silly story about being a freshman in college... somehow a line in it must have been a trigger for spambots, because every day I got all sorts of notices of comments added to it that were absolutely nonsensical strings with some links and other junk.

Of course, now that I deleted it, the random crap is just showing up on another strand instead.

Rah.

cheat and win or cheat and suck?

2010-08-12T13:17:00.000-05:00

What's more disappointing --- when your team succeeds and it comes out later they were in violations of the rules --- or if they're mediocre and get busted?

You might say it's worse to have more taken away from you... the likes of USC, who has to forfeit their wins and championships and Heismans and whatnot.

But I dunno, I think a USC fan might hide behind "oh c'mon EVERYBODY's doing it, and we still got to experience being on top --- saying 5 years later "oh that didn't count" is kinda irrelevant and moot."

Whereas a school like North Carolina might look at themselves and say "Crap, we were cheating and STILL couldn't win? That's pretty depressing."

Or, more to the point, a USC fan would say "Shaw, like, whatever man!", and a UNC fan would say "Daggum, our team's like the northern end of a southbound mule."

Gobbledyfoobidies revisited

2010-07-31T11:02:00.002-05:00

Re-visiting my previous post, "McDonald's is now Gobbledyfoobidies", which looked at why the blue hell a company with a century of name recognition like Brink's security would choose to forgo all that and call themselves Broadview instead.

http://johnspartan.blogspot.com/2009/08/mcdonalds-is-now-gobbledyfoobidies.html

You probably remember seeing a lot of their millions and millions of dollars in TV advertising that had variations of pretty white women having a party and then getting assaulted by house guests who, umm, left and came back and then the alarm went off and they talked to someone on the phone, that made it all go away somehow.

At the time, I wondered if anything was sillier than giving up Brink's for "Broadview". As is often the case, it seems the answer to that question is YES... basically having wasted the last 6 months or so (and the aforementioned millions), because the company is merging with ADT to be known as.... ADT.

Seems someone at ADT has this wacky idea that if you have a brand name people know and readily associate with your product, you may want to consider using that name.

Maybe in 6 months they'll change again to Gobbledyfoobidies.

Why Rubio won

2010-07-29T10:24:00.002-05:00

Marco Rubio will be the Republican nominee for US Senate from Florida because he has a Biscayne Bay Young Republicans polo shirt.

Now that may sound self-aggrandizing (and it is) but permit me to explain. Come in the Wayback Machine back to April 2009, a time before the Washington Post or National Review or Fox News knew Marco Rubio from Paulina Rubio.

Marco Rubio was willing, even eager to speak to whatever conservative group would happily have him. The Biscayne Bay Young Republicans meeting had several speakers... the intrepid Marcos Sendon spoke about the first Tea Party and the launch of some crazy website called SFlaConservative.com. Lubby Navarro spoke about her ongoing campaign for state house. And Marco Rubio announced he was running for US Senate. With the campaign starting here, the Rubio campaign would get known over the next 9 months or so of being willing to speak to any small group that was open to hearing messages of traditional conservative values. As our meeting wrapped we presented Marco Rubio with a Biscayne Bay YRs polo shirt, as much to advertise the shirts as to thank him for announcing his campaign with us.

Governor Crist received countless invitations to speak at little local clubs. His campaign not only did not accept these offers, in my own experience they were simply not even acknowledged. The Crist campaign was almost wholly focused on events where he'd get $1000 and up checks. And while YR clubs and REC meetings and women's groups are great ways to meet the locals, I'm afraid we're not often of the sort to max out on donations for a dinner.

Then, something happened. Marco Rubio won one little straw poll. Then a 2nd, then a 3rd. The momentum came before the money.

Now, to be fair, when both candidates got known Rubio had the resume and remarks that the Republicans ultimately chose overwhelmingly. Bob Smith came to speak to the club as well, and his campaign couldn't get past the fact that he was a former U.S. Senator, and no one in FL seemed to think that qualified him to run for U.S. Senate.

But how did the leading candidates get known?

Because Marco Rubio came to shake hands, chat, answer questions, and get his Biscayne Bay Young Republicans polo shirt.

Palomilla and politics

2010-07-29T10:16:00.006-05:00

It was like one of those big multi-generation family reunion photos... except, ya know, everyone actually wanted to be there.

Taking over half of an otherwise sleepy Los Ranchos in West Miami on a Thursday night was both a testament to the strength of a movement and the roadmap for the successful return of a national party.

The meeting was the investiture of the first board of the Miami-Dade Teenage Republicans (TARs). As president of the Miami Young Republicans, which serves the 18-40 community, I was honored and pleased to be asked to conduct the swearing in of these energetic and optimistic young men and women.

The well-spoken, eager next generation of party movers & shakers was impressive, and probably the story of the evening. But perhaps equally important was the show of solidarity and strength... I say this because the executive director of the Miami-Dade Republican Executive Committee, the secretary of the Old Cutler Republican Women's Club, and the founder and president of South Florida Conservative & its corresponding initiative all made it a point to attend and show encouragement and support.

All these leaders of local organizations, myself included, came out with the same purpose --- to both give encouragement to and receive encouragement from this new group.

How will conservative causes return to prominence? Only through coordinated efforts that start with the people who have Marco Rubio on speed dial, go through the people who are tapped into the community that "never got involved before but cannot sit on the sidelines any longer", and all the way down to the young men and women in groups such as the Miami-Dade TARs who are just beginning to look into how they can support campaigns and initiatives.

Over the past few months I've been happy to get to know Juan D'Arce, candidate for state house 112 and sponsor of the Miami-Dade TARs, Rudy Leal-McCormack, the club's spokesperson, and now Alejandro Moreno, the TARs chairman. It's easy to say the future is in good hands... but after Thursday night's event I can say I'm optimistic about the present.

50 Most Beautiful People Slideshow 2010 - TheHill.com

2010-07-29T08:55:00.000-05:00

50 Most Beautiful People Slideshow 2010 - TheHill.com

Wow. If this is the 50 most beautiful people in Washington, DC... this goes near the top of my list of reasons why I'm happy to be in Miami instead :-p

2010-05-28T21:20:00.001-05:00

Is it a sign at the end of the night you probably shouldn't be driving
if you're sitting at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green?

Where I'm not

2010-04-06T10:29:00.004-05:00

So, this is my current "Where I'd rather be"... it's in DC in the Eastern
Market neighborhood. Great little neighborhood pub with good food.

View Larger Map

PS apparently Google Maps now has an option for 3d. A pointless touch? Probably. But I still wanna try it sometime :)

wistful smurf

2010-03-17T16:26:00.002-05:00

From time to time (and entirely too often), I find myself wishing I could just go back to a certain point and time in life and live there again --- either start over from that point and see what I could change, or even just enjoy those years again.... This is of course pretty fruitless, but yet I keep going back to it.

My default seems to be to go back to college and the times I enjoyed there with good friends.   But presently I have picked something a bit stranger to harken back to...

When I was little, July 4th meant, generally, going over to the Bal Harbour Club for their dinner BBQ, then down to the beach to watch the fireworks.

Now, even at the time, I knew the Bal Harbour Club was a rat shack, the food was just okay (which is weird because any other day they had pretty great burgers), and the fireworks show was average.   But there was a simplicity to it all, especially being a "little squirt".   And of course spending holiday time with the family was something I appreciated and somewhere I was pretty fortunate --- and our family friends in the community were always pretty nice to me when I was a rugrat. And hey, to a little kid --- the beach at night, BBQ food and fireworks, why not?!?

I even remember someone (we've had discussions back and forth since then as to who it was) that used his cigar to light some roman candles when we ran out of matches.   I've tried duplicating that feat and have largely failed.

July 4 took on a new meaning for me when I was a teen.   Without going into too much detail (if you're reading this there's a decent chance you already know the details), suffice it to say there was a year when making it to July 4 was a victory.

Now it's a cause for celebration again.   For the past couple of years I've really as an (ahem) adult enjoying the new July 4 ritual --- a day of party and cookout and fun at the in-laws with friends from all walks of life.

But I wonder how many of the people there know that I have my own very personal reasons for celebrating on the 4th and all it means to me.   And I wonder if they have their own stories.

Ya know, involving shooting aliens and such.

It's run like the post office

2010-03-03T16:54:00.001-05:00

So, the Washington Post on the Post Office: "The agency's business model is so poor, consultants concluded, that privatizing it is untenable."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/01/AR2010030103452.html

No word yet on whether the article will also appear in the pages of Well, Yeah, Duuuuuh.

well THAT's a relief

2010-02-25T17:43:00.002-05:00

So, there's a new trailer out, and it seems Shia LeBouf is NOT playing Gordon Gekko's Scrappy Doo of a long-lost son....

He's playing his Scrappy Doo of a son-in-law.

Yay creativity! This won't suck the bigg'un much, will it?

yzuk yzuk

2010-02-22T14:33:00.001-05:00

I've heard that sorry is sometimes the hardest word to say.

I'm gonna go ahead and guess that the rest of the time, "Kyrgyzstan" gets the title.

Hello to An Ony Mouse.

2010-02-01T15:51:00.003-05:00

So, I had an anonymous comment from, ummm, well I don't know who (obviously) complimenting me on how the blog's coming along. It was on a post that I ended up having to delete because of some weird formatting problems.

The note said the original posts mostly sucked but over time it's gotten to be fun to read. They left off that it was originally very self-serving, silly humor and navel-gazing whereas now... umm hang on a tic...

a public service

2010-01-26T16:17:00.001-05:00

Ya know, I like when people say "I don't care if you're black or white or red or yellow or green or blue...."

I really do.

Because it means they're not going to say anything intelligent from that point on, so I can just stop listening.

And that's a really handy out to have.

This post brought to you by...

2010-01-25T21:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Taco Bell,

Skinny guys don't get 5 layer beef cheesy burrito things every day. And hot chicks don't work behind the counter.

And that's not even getting into the thought of 89 cent food being mostly scary.

Love, Bradley

Dear Random Insurance Commercial With Bobby Lee Looking Asian Guy:

Damn you for getting Kansas - Point of Know Return stuck in my head.

Love, Bradley

Dear Car Company:

David Bowie's Major Tom is not a really sharp choice as background music. Major Tom's ship malfunctions and it ends up being a one way trip. Might as well call your car the Titanic.

Love, Bradley

Dear Home Security Company:

WTF? Your ads are getting weirder and scarier.

it must be true, it's in a graph!

2010-01-21T16:41:00.000-05:00

see more Funny Graphs

A plea for civility

2010-01-21T10:15:00.001-05:00

I don't expect much when it comes to manners and respect in political discourse.   Whenever any candidate, left or right, comes along and says they're going to change the tone in Washington, I'm inclined to pretty much just roll my eyes. "Reaching across the aisle in a spirit of bipartisanship" is one of those expressions that is just the speaker insulting the intelligence of the listener.

However, one thing I think is NOT beyond the realm of reasonable expectations, and still a point of some severe disappointment.   Is it too much to ask that we not resort to disgusting schoolyard sexual slang as part of the discussion. I'm referring to the left's recent giggling use of the dismissive term "teabagger" to slander anyone whose only perceived crime might be daring to disagree with their own notions.   For a bit of history on the term, check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=teabagger, it's a term whose only origin is a fairly ugly sexual term.

The statements by some on the left that the tea party movement is somehow rooted in a concern with the President's ethnicity are stupid.   The statements that the people who populate these rallies are planted or paid somehow are also stupid.

But assigning and publicly using vulgar, indecent terms to refer to people exercising their right to peaceably assemble isn't stupid --- it's just rude and uncivilized.   And it adds nothing.

I'll promise never to use an ugly sexual term to refer to public interest groups on the Left.   Let's see if any there will do the same.

endorsing education

2010-01-14T12:19:00.003-05:00

So, apparently Charlie Crist and Jeb Bush are appearing at an event today to talk about, ummm, being pro-education or some such thing.

What's NOT true are the rumors that, when asked about endorsing Crist's senate candidacy, Jeb's response will be "of all the candidates running in this race, Charlie Crist is certainly one of them"

If you like me, you'll really like me.

2010-01-10T19:21:00.002-05:00

http://www.sflaconservative.com/ South Florida Conservative is back up, a retooled site that's neater and cleaner, and has a lot more back-end capability too from what I understand.

I have two new posts up on the blog since the beginning of the year. One on what to read into Obama's poll numbers being off and one on the heresy that is questioning global warming.

Check it out! :)

A reading frrom the book of Bradlediah

2009-12-29T11:13:00.000-05:00

1 yea, verily I sayeth unto you, the DMV doth suck so. 2. Let us not
giveth unto them our health care, that they might befoul that as well.

We wish you'd fork them over

2009-12-23T13:17:00.003-05:00

The song "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" has always bothered me.

The first verse is we wish you a merry christmas.

The 2nd verse is "now gimme some damn pudding, and hop to it!"

The 3rd verse is "Look, we're not leaving till we get some freaking pudding, got it?"

I expect if the song had kept going, the 4th verse would be something like "Make with the pudding or some reindeer will get shot."

Honestly, it's like the latest string of home security commercials. Carolers breaking in and such.

WTF Christmas edition

2009-12-15T13:54:00.001-05:00

A, umm, heartwarming little song by John Denver about Christmas.

how cool is this?

2009-12-03T18:31:00.003-05:00

Okay, I'm sufficiently jealous. Apparently this Chinese (news station?) explaining the Tiger Woods crash did a CGI recreation of how the wreck might have gone to illustrate the story.

The bit about her chasing him with the golf club is pretty damn solid. Heh.

slacking

2009-12-02T22:11:00.003-05:00

So, I haven't been good about updating this. I blame Facebook. If I post stuff there, I get instant response. Here it's been... ummm... a couple of years of self-gratification. And really, who wants to watch a guy gratify himself in public?

Democrats as Frat Boys.

2009-10-21T10:15:00.002-05:00

You've all seen "that guy" at the party.   The guy who thinks every conversation around him probably is about sex.   He'll see two women chatting casually and come up and ask if they're discussing something vulgar. He'll see a guy and girl talking and he'll ask "Has he told you yet what he wants to do with you"? Etc.   This character is pretty well lampooned on the show Scrubs in the surgeon character "The Todd".

The thing is, any discerning person knows that if someone walks around saying "Hey, I think they're talking about sex.   Why does everyone always have sex on their mind?   Why is every conversation about sex?"   It's not the community around the guy that is obsessed, it's just him.

So, I think of the Democrats this past month or so who see racism everywhere they look.   Maureen Dowd's shameful article in the NY Times that said when Joe Wilson blurted out "You Lie" during an Obama address, "All she could hear" was him saying "You lie, boy"... which she followed with some gross generalizations about the South and about whites.

Suggesting other options on healthcare should be considered rather than the Democrat plan?   Sounds like racism!   Agree with Obama when he said that the Nobel Peace Prize couldn't really have been a recognition for any work he'd done?   Hey you must be thinking racist thoughts!   Tea party?   You're probably thinking about the President's skin color!

My question --- if someone looks around and sees racism as secretly under every conversation.... it's a cliche but a bit of wisdom --- remember that when you point your finger at someone, you're pointing four fingers back at yourself.

the huh?

2009-10-19T09:25:00.002-05:00

Odorono, by the Who

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfpIYXOGgLM

So, this song is 42 years old. It's pretty simple, I mean I'm no musician but it sounds like it's only got a couple of chords in it. So why is it I can listen to it just about every day? And 2 generations from now will people still be replaying Nickelback songs twice a day?

At least one part that shows some of the band's genius is the parts where it's broken up. If it was just a regular rolling rhythm it might have faded into obscurity (which is not to say this isn't a relatively obscure Who song)... but the breaks in it (triUMphant...) make it really stand out...

Another WTFer.... hey we're a great tool for stalking!!!

2009-10-15T17:21:00.000-05:00

http://tweetstalk.com/

So, apparently this is specifically designed for exactly ONE purpose... You want to follow someone on Twitter without them knowing you're following them. It's called TweetStalk.

Eh?

This can't end well.

rubbing elbows

2009-10-13T08:26:00.005-05:00

Had a good time last night at the Dolphins game. Except for the whole not being at the Dolphins game part... tho even that worked out.

Went to the pre-game tailgate for the Marco Rubio for US Senate campaign.

Rubio's a good man, and a solid candidate. All indications are he's a dyed-in-the-wool conservative who speaks plainly yet with conviction... if only that weren't something so rare it actually stands out! And, if I can confess a bit of dorkyness, I definitely like the notion that Marco recognizes me by now and calls me by name :) Heck, it's one of the things that keeps me out of polyticks, some days I wonder if I can remember TLMS's name without cue cards.

Never did get a ticket, and left as the game was just starting. Surprisingly, I made it from the stadium back to Kendall in 30 minutes (err I sure was obeying all our state's fine traffic laws). Got back in time to sit down and watch the 2nd half of the 1st qtr.

Dorkiness part 2, ran in the apt, turned on ABC and ran into the, umm, library... forgot that MNF hasn't been on ABC for a couple of years. So it was Dancing with the Stars instead :p

Not on your Christmas compilation

2009-09-28T17:03:00.002-05:00

This one gets a big ol' WTF from me...

I like the song, I like Christmas lights... but what the hell is putting the two together?

life, the universe, and everything...

2009-09-10T11:03:00.002-05:00

I have to wonder sometimes about the wisdom of a system where everyone comes into the world naked, screaming, covered in filth and confused... and for many it goes downhill from there.

I could send up smoke signals

2009-09-08T11:26:00.002-05:00

Is it weird that e-mailing a question to my wife seems "old school"? That it takes "soooo much longer" for looking if she's online (on facebook, gmail messenger, etc.) and/or texting her seems the way to go, e-mailing could take, like, MINUTES to get an answer.

Like bangin' rocks together to make fire.

The polls are dropping --- has "change" changed?

2009-09-02T22:02:00.002-05:00

So, what do we make of Obama's poll numbers falling off?   A callous, cynical population that doesn't appreciate the wonders that Obama so eloquently offers? Frail seniors scared and confused by the huge unfiltered public persona that is Sarah Palin?

No.   What's happening is that supporting "change" is irrelevant.   You could be completely opposed to someone's plans, and still agree some sort of change needs to be done.   You both think something needs to happen, but when they start going their way, that's when you realize they're not aligned with what you thought.

Let me explain... some examples.

I'm holding my hand an inch away from your face.   I ask, "Do you want me to MOVE my hand?"   You say yes, so I smack you.   Are you happy with this? We all agreed we wanted my hand to move.   Polls for changing my hand's position were unanimous.   See if popularity drops when you get smacked in the face.   Obama's administration is certainly doing that.

You go around your office around noon and ask if people would support ordering lunch. Most people say sure, we can get behind a nice, vague, notion of lunch.   Everyone has their own ideas.   You come back an hour later and hand them all a tuna sandwich on rye with mustard.   "I don't understand, everyone supported lunch!   This is lunch."

The more vague the common denominator is, the safer and unobjectionable it is.

Do you support change?   YES!
Change we can believe in?   HOORAY!
Change to the role the federal government plays in how banks and auto companies and American industry operates?   Ummmm.....
Do you support having the people who brought you the DMV, the IRS, the VA, and the post office make the medical care you receive "more efficient"?    Wait, ya'll have a different sense of what needed to be changed then I do. You weren't thinking what I was when I said okay let's get lunch.

Extreme leftist policies... specific policies.... are contrary to the American spirit, to the immutable laws of economics, and in many cases to the fundamentals of basic logic. Unilaterally puishing companies that produce and taking money from them because they emit carbon when they produce simply does NOT yield job growth. Beating the rich like a pinata may win popularity contests but it doesn't stabilize the system or grow the pot.

Some realized this early, some are coming to it now. The polls are saying we never said we wanted to be smacked in the face.

McDonalds is now Gobbledyfoobidies

2009-08-31T17:08:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I normally don't mention specific companies in my blog, because I know that corporations monitor blogs for mentions of their brand (believe me, I know this.   I used to do it!)

However, I gotta fire this one off... what the crap is Brink's Security thinking, changing their name for home security to Broad View? You spend 150 years building up brand equity, you have a company name that's ICONIC with your industry.   Brinks trucks might be as readily identified with a given product as you can get without losing control of your brand like a Kleenex or Velcro.

So why would you throw out a name synonymous with security for your home security systems?

Broadview home security sounds like one of those companies where you go out and spend $10 and they give you a couple of stickers to slap on the windows that say you're protected :-p

you know why I like this toothpaste? It doesn't burst into flames.

2009-08-31T16:53:00.002-05:00

More on an ad that disturbs me... Charlie Sheen recommends underpants to Michael Jordan because they don't creep up on you. Ummm I don't recall that being a really significant problem, my underwear riding up on me. Unless it's a really old pair or I've been driving for like a day and a half.

But I guess it's hard to sell stuff like that when your product is largely commoditized. I mean, how often can you say "Well, see, ours are SOFT."

I do like the tagless ones though, at least that's a "development" that makes sense.

I also like that my soda doesn't commit crimes.

if yer gonna be stranded....

2009-08-27T10:02:00.001-05:00

I wasn't particularly happy about the fact that my car crapped out its battery, or that it took me $425 to get it fixed.

However, if I was going to be forced to work from home, Monday was a pretty dang good day to be stuck there.   Consider this line-up... two Bond movies (the first one being From Russia With Love, maybe the most underrated of the entire series... then Man with the Golden Gun --- not as good, but has its moments...)

Then, two specials on the history channel on Star Wars... one on how it fits into mythology and archetypes, and the other on the feasibility of the science in the movie.

Then Simpsons.   Oh and there was probably a Scrubs mixed in there.

Nice to have a day at home where there's something on TV other than just commercials for how I could become a paralegal.

Drinky drinky

2009-08-17T16:27:00.002-05:00

Whenever I order a Black & Tan, I find it interesting that the
Guinness floats to the top as it's actually less dense than the Harp.

Whenever I order 5 Black & Tans, I find it interesting that the
English language has so many difficult sounds ;-)

well you'd use it more than quixotic.

2009-08-03T13:50:00.001-05:00

I was thrilled a while back to hear the word "Meh." had to be officially added to the dictionary.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/Strange-News/Meh-New-Word-In-Collins-English-Dictionary-Slacker-Term-Enters-Lexicon/Article/200811315152720.

I'm officially starting here the lobbying for the next new word for consideration to be "craptastic."

Because really what word in the English language serves this purpose? Something that's so thoroughly and completely devoid of quality, it almost laps itself and is good at how bad it is.

It's kind of a shame that there are so many examples of things being craptastic. But then as long as they keep making films from video games, there will always be a need for this adjective.

Join the cause!

da da da, da da yawn

2009-07-27T09:16:00.001-05:00

Was thinking about this the other day as I (half-)watched ESPN SportsCenter.

Ten, twelve years ago it seemed watching SportsCenter was THE thing to do, it was practically the capital of "guydom", or at least sports fan central. It seems to have fallen so far that "I saw something interesting on SportsCenter last night" would once have gotten "Oh yeah that was awesome!" to "Really? SportsCenter? You still watch that?"

So, where do you figure the fall from grace came from? Too much corporate tie-in, "Now it's time for the Aantares.com Five Questions Hot Seat Indicator Bell"?

The departure of the likes of Craig Kilborn and Kieth Olbermann and the failure to find similarly fun replacements?

Omnipresence of the Internet?

Stuart Scott?

they should make the whole show out of the black box

2009-07-26T21:15:00.002-05:00

Sometime, The Daily Show should do a joke where they play a clip of a politician saying something that sounds ridiculous, then cut to Jon Stewart saying "Waaaaa?" and mocking surprise. Wonder why they never do that.

Maybe when that's done we could have a movie where someone sees the police coming and shouts "We've got COMPANY!" Ya know, because that's ironic.

more (somewhat) serious blogging

2009-07-14T17:08:00.002-05:00

Have another piece up on SFlaConservative.com, you can find it here...

http://blog.sflaconservative.com/2009/07/14/what-i-would-ask-judge-sotomayor.aspx

not our wedding dance....

2009-07-09T13:38:00.002-05:00

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

I could so rock that shirt though.

Where's the any key?

2009-07-08T12:58:00.000-05:00

Call to tech support:

"hi, yes I'm installing this printer and was hoping you could give me
the phone number for Jack?"

"Sorry, but who is Jack?"

"I don't know --- the instructions just say "PLUG PRINTER INTO FAX AND
TELEPHONE JACK."

Better living through bad cliches

2009-07-07T17:04:00.002-05:00

I managed to amuse myself today by (semi-)successfully employing the expression "I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees."   The context was saying I didn't want to dub myself to be the self-appointed communicator of the ideas and thoughts of others, that it would be a bit presumptuous of me to hop up and insist I was a spokesperson for the thoughts of an entire group --- and I didn't to come out and say I was the Lorax and I speak for the trees ;-)

I randomly pepper in this crap just to keep myself on this side of sanity.   You would too after a 3 1/2 hour conference call.

Sometime later this week, I'm hoping to find a way to work in a random expression of my own.   Perhaps "The short answer? No.   The long answer?   Nooooooooooooooooooo." :-p

apocalypse humor

2009-06-29T21:19:00.004-05:00

Two guys are sitting in a bar when one turns to the other and says "10 seconds left until the aliens come down and kablammo everything. What are you going to do?"

"Boy, I would nail everything that moves. How about you?"

"Well, apparently I'm going to sit perfectly still."

all things being equal...

2009-06-26T09:39:00.002-05:00

I feel, somehow, I belong right about here...

View Larger Map

It's where I'm drawn to.

Perhaps it's not ALL that odd, I mean I did live in this building and the one next to it for two years, spent the next couple of years also bumping around that area every day... and those were four pretty great yrs. Plus I've tried to get back at least once a year for a game since then (12 years since I was a resident in that there castle buildin' there? Wow).

Plus it's purty.

when I was a child, I thought as a child...

2009-06-24T10:49:00.003-05:00

... I'm still not so old and crotchety that I don't find it amusing to think that in hotels, the "Do Not Disturb" sign, in Spanish, says "Por Favor No Molestar".

I know what it means, but hell it sure looks like "Please don't molest me."

the road back to profitability

2009-06-23T09:01:00.002-05:00

I have a suggestion as to how the news media can make up some of the
lost revenue they've been missing... profit by extortion.

Here's how it works... "Give us $5 or we'll continue to write stories
about the current marital status updates of Jon + Kate + 8."

Hell, I'd pay.

kodachrome, gives us those nice bright colors...

2009-06-16T13:40:00.002-05:00

For no discernible reason, I was just thinking back to the days of Q-Zar (laser tag) and to Whirlyball parties. The only reason I can possibly come up with is that I was thinking of Tallahassee Mall, which had a huge laser tag arcade thing there when I was a Freshman, and it closed before maybe end of sophomore year.

I wonder if those things were as much damned fun as I remember them being, or if it's just one of those things that seemed awesome because I was 12, or if they really were cool.

I remember when I was a little kid I was at the pre-school at Miami-Dade Community College, and taking the loooooong walk over to the auditorium building were these huge hills we would roll down whenever we got the chance. I was there a couple of years ago to take a grad school entrance exam, and I see it's the next building over, and someone went and shrunk the hills.

Must be global warming.

there we were waving Brenda Renetti goodbye

2009-06-15T14:07:00.001-05:00

Random thought. You know the Billy Joel song Scenes from an Italian Restaurant? It's the one with the middle part that is generally referred to as "The Ballad of Brenda and Eddie."

The thing is for the longest time (oh ohhh ohhh for the longest time), I thought it was a song about someone named Brenda Renetti. Admittedly, a lot of the lyrics don't make sense if it's not about two people ("We always thought they would both find a way to survive" certainly gets odd). But then, it wouldn't be the first time a song had confusing lines. I'm still trying to figure out what Billy Joe McAllister threw off the Tallahatchee Bridge.

I don't know why it bothers me...

2009-06-05T07:52:00.001-05:00

Bothers is the wrong word, but still... I'd just as soon not get so many notes suggesting all the neat little things I could get for my dad for Father's Day.

I find myself pretty relieved when it's come and gone.

I won!

2009-06-02T20:39:00.003-05:00

So, today is, ummm, the 2nd week of the rest of my life.

Who would have guessed it, I'm for the first time Mister... okay well actually that part doesn't change, but TLMS is now also Mrs. Spartan :)

I think I'm officially out of excuses. It's been two weeks since the wedding and one week since we got back from the honeymoon. She says I have to get some stuff won into the blog before I forget it, and she's got a good sense about these sorts of things.

So, hmmm... I was trying to remember random thoughts to jot down when going through the weekend. Here they are in something vaguely resembling chronological order.

* Having all the guys back together again is a good thing. Having all the guys in town together was neat. Having all the guys in my car at the same time with their luggage was more than a little funny. We piled outta that thing like a frigging clown car. Josh sitting on Torsky's lap --- I wish I'd gotten some pictures.

* I knew somehow I was going to get stuck with a few extra Marlins tickets and shelling out more than $100 of my own money. I really tried to get around it. But I don't really know what else I can do when people tell me on Wednesday night they're bringing someone to the game, and Friday neither of them come, well... guess who gets left holding the debt. Least I got a shirt and a hat out of the deal ;-)

* After the game... ummm... the poetry reading sure was interesting.

* The rehearsal reminded me of Usual Suspects. A line of guys chuckling and barely following orders :)

*Somehow though I had months of warning, there was still stuff I had to do ON the way to the rehearsal to be prepared. As it turns out, the rehearsal really helped because it gave me pretty specific directions to focus on during El Dia Grande, and answered pretty much any of my questions.

* The rehearsal dinner was nice, and I think everyone there enjoyed it... despite the restaurant not putting us in the room we'd booked for. However, the free round of champagne for the entire party certainly helped dull the pain. The groomsmen table might argue that the dozen or 15 bottles of wine helped dull some pain a bit too.

* I'm not entirely sure why I was disconnecting so much that day. I think it's a combination of the lingering effects of the... errr..."food poisoning". I think it was also a bit of nerves.

* I'd been told by a couple of the bridesmaids how amazing the dress was going to look, how beautiful Sarah was going to be, etc. Of course, my natural guy reaction was "okay, I'd better figure out how to act like it's a big deal." When I saw her in the back of the church, I could only think (and believe I said) "Wow."

That's all you get for now... more on the trip next time. I only wanna say I consider myself a lucky and contented fella. If you're reading this and were part of the big day, I'd appreciate it if you could share a thought or two :)

got a lot done yesterday... tick, tick, tick...

2009-05-04T19:23:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was pretty productive, for a Sunday. TLMS and I were able to check a few things off the list. I picked up the certificate of completion from the church (whew! we gradiyated!), we sat with the DJ for about 45 mins and discussed a lot about the music... ugh @ driving to Homestead and back... TLMS was muy happy for having found the perfect canvas bags at Old Navy to fill with stuff for the bridesmaids and guests.... we got the sheets to create little "Bradley and Sarah trivia cards" that we can scatter around the tables with the US history cards. I also wrote up some of the little facts we can populate those cards with. Having selected the songs, I even got a mini-dance lessons from Sarah (I think I only stepped on her toes mebbe 2 or 3 times).

Also got the last hotel booked for the big trip. Found a lovely hotel in Munich with a panorama view in the top floor. Now if only I could find out why even the bigger rooms have double beds instead of kings. Doh!

Hope to get a bit more training betwixt now and el dia grande.

Chilling on South Beach now, killing time in a pizza joint and waiting for my mom to land so I can go get her at el aeropuerto. Speaking of airports... this time, in two weeks, we'll be on a plane on the way across the Atlantic :)

more random thoughts

2009-04-29T09:20:00.002-05:00

ya know, I don't talk much about work here, but...

Just once I'd like to have a pitch for a client go something like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZY2mRG5mzg

"It is I, his Chronicler, who alone can tell thee of his saga. Let me tell you of the days of high adventure..."

are you a sell-out if you're not being paid? ;-)

2009-04-24T21:30:00.002-05:00

Well, faithful reader(s), looks like I'm going to start contributing occasionally to a local political Web site... www.sflaconservative.com. Run by a pretty good guy who's come to work with the Biscayne Bay Young Republicans some, Marcos Sendon... a regular guy who basically just realized there are some pretty cool ways out there today to communicate with like-minded people.

So, if you're reading this... maybe check that page too from time to time. It'll doubtless be a bit more serious than this (tho that ain't exactly a high bar to clear)

under construction

2009-04-22T20:38:00.001-05:00

I don't think I can describe the state the house is in... the entire first floor is basically gutted. No more working TV, just the little one in Mom's room. Guess I'll be doing a lot of Netfliking and such, when not down at TLMS's of course. Still, it's only a couple of weeks. Then.... first day of the rest of my life ;-)

update

2009-04-21T10:10:00.002-05:00

Pretty neat new feature, I can now e-mail posts and have them come up directly to my blog.   This is (a little) easier than logging onto my blog and doing it that way, so hopefully that means updates more often :)

My blogging and Facebookery was apparently one of the questions at TLMS's bridal shower.   I wonder if that means anyone will stumble across this blog.   Hellooooo ladies!

Speaking of TLMS, we're inside of a month now.   Oof!   Always get a weird feeling when I've been looking forward to something for a long time, and then suddenly it's behind ya.   Course, in this case, it's just a beginning...

tea party

2009-04-15T21:21:00.001-05:00

Was told to expect maybe 500 for the Miami Tea Party. Supposedly police reports were closer to 3,000. Makes sense because there was a lot coming and going throughout the day. Peaceful, upbeat, some chuckle-worthy signs... TLMS's we came up with simply said "SOCIALISM SUCKS."

Going to reconvene on the 19th downtown... should be interesting....

the glasses thing

2009-04-15T20:57:00.003-05:00

Weird story with the glasses, thought I'd share (though my most regular readers I think have already heard by now). These things seem to only happen to me, but I guess it's not actually ALL that rare.

So, about a month ago I lost my glasses. Things had been in a lot of turmoil (still settling in from the move, house is all torn up, whatever... bottom line is I looked for a while but they didn't seem to want to turn up. For all I know they could be in my car. But I could have a pregnant wombat in my car and I probably wouldn't know apart from a slight change in the smell.

Anyway, at the merry discount price of about $125 I had to finally give in and buy a new pair of glasses. Even at the super "hey let's advertise our swell discounts, bargainbargainbargain!!!" stores, they still wallet-rape me, because I have the audacity to have one eye stronger than the other.

So, anyway, I had a new pair for the course of a WEEK... and somehow lost those too. It was pretty frustrating because with the house being in the state it is (what with there being basically NOTHING on the first floor), there honestly weren't that many places they could be.

I finally figured it out... I had taken them off when checking my mom's oil. I got distracted when I was doing it because her car was apparently built as, like, a Special Olympics fundraiser or something because the dipstick goes at a complete right angle. Well anyway apparently what I did was I put the glasses under the hood along the side of the engine, didn't realize I left them there, slammed the hood and walked away.

Of course, between the time I did this and realizing where I'd likely left them, Mom had since driven the car a couple of times. I figured what would most likely happen was I'd go out and find them absolutely shattered... MAYBE I'd be able to save the frames and just get new lenses.

Popped the hood, went out... 100$ fine. not even dirty. Whew! Lucky.

And hey I can see now too, so I've got that going for me.

the MacGuffin

2009-03-23T20:49:00.008-05:00

Sandra stepped off the plane and walked through the airport rubbing the back of her neck. Her lack of ease and discomfort was not strictly because of the cramped seat next to the impossibly fat man on the cross-country flight. She was nervous because she was to serve as the courier of the MacGuffin Diamond.

If the rumors she'd heard were true, the MacGuffin was easily worth more than her life was. The strange man chasing her in Cleveland certainly seemed to think so --- he seemed to be operating under the idea that getting her out of the way would have just made things easier. It was only because of the timely intervention of some local law enforcement that she was even afforded this opportunity to be uncomfortable. She'd be glad when she had the nine million dollars instead, then she would just be targets of your average everyday scum instead of the best of the worst.

She had grown tired from the continued effort that goes into always trying to examine every little bit of the periphery, suspecting every seemingly random movement as being the start of another attack. She instead indulged herself with a little daydreaming of how life would be different when she had the money instead of the burden. It was perhaps because of this distraction that she didn't see the round gentleman in the sheriff's uniform come up to her. She spun around so fast her shoulder-length dark hair actually trailed her twirling head when he tapped her on the wrist.

"Wha---- what?" she half-asked.

"Sorry, ma'am. You're Miss Desmond?" She quickly scanned the stocky, reasonably good-natured man in blues that were perhaps a half-sized too small. His skin was a bit paler than hers. She saw from his look that he didn't really need her confirmation to know it was indeed her, and she managed only a slight nod of affirmation.

"I'm Kirk Hamill. Oh..." he paused and flashed a badge to put her at ease. "I'm supposed to be at your disposal to ensure you don't run into any problems. I'd suggest being careful. You never know who you can trust in a situation like yours."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Preaching to the choir, Kirk. Preaching to the choir. It was only because of some of the good work of guys like you that I've made it this far. To tell you the truth I wonder if it's even worth all this... having to always keep on my guard."

"Well, you're in my town, now" he said with a toothy grin, "and we may get you to sit back and enjoy a Red Apple beer like a regular local."

She nodded, and he went on ahead to where a car was waiting to take her to the hotel. "Sheriff..." she called after him. He didn't turn around, the airport was bustling and noisy. "SHERIFF..." she repeated, then with a chuckle she shouted quite deliberately "HEY! HAMMILL!" He turned around with the same toothy grin. "As long as you're providing hospitality and protection, would you mind helping me with one of these bags?" He grabbed her dufflebag and picked it up with surprising ease as they trudged along to his unmarked police car.

As they drove in from the airport, he went into standard narration. All this here used to be nothing but fields, he reported with wide sweeping gestures. A couple of new companies had built serene offices on the outskirts, and the town just grew like Topsy. He expressed a certain disdain for people whose work was just pushing numbers and ideas around, and longed for people who did a good honest day's labor like him. Somewhere in the midst of his extolling the virtues of a man you could trust by looking in his eyes, she actually chuckled. He was pleased to see she seemed to be letting her hair down a bit.

As they pulled up to the hotel, he grabbed her dufflebag again. "That's not... ya know, 'it', is it?" he asked. "Hmm? No. That's just my clothes and a hairdryer, and something for my nephew, a Cleveland Indians jersey." She decided that was enough sharing, though she subconsciously clutched her handbag a bit tighter. He nodded and carried her dufflebag into the hotel ahead of her.

Retrieving her key from the front desk, she turned to see Kirk chatting up the presumably college-aged girl behind the concierge desk. "Red Apple beer, huh?" He nodded. "I haven't had a minute to relax or a real conversation since this mess all began. Hang on a sec and I'll be right back down. That is if you're off-duty." He smiled. She dashed up to 212, slipped into a pair of tight jeans and a low-cut top, and came back down, still clutching her purse with the MacGuffin Diamond safely wrapped inside. Kirk was waiting in the bar. He had ordered her a beer and looked to be halfway through one of his own.

Sandra laughed and rolled through a few of her favorite almost-true stories. He told her about "his first ex-wife", which meant it stood to reason there were at least two loved and lost. She chuckled thoroughly for the first time since this whole ordeal began. One beer had become 4 and was on its way to a fifth when he leaned in.

"Why don't you let me take that to the hotel safe," he pleaded with her. "I hate to see you stressing like that. The hotel clerk is my second ex-wife's brother," he said with a chuckle. "Wish I coulda married him instead!"

She handed him the handbag, surprisingly heavy given the weight of the MacGuffin. He walked off, singing aloud the song they'd both just discovered they remembered. She waited and sipped her beer.

The bar over the TV had been showing some local basketball, which ended, and was now on the local news. She glanced up only in passing, her eyes a bit out of focus, to read who was being interviewed, a middle-aged, thin, black woman in the full dress blues of a police officer. The chiron flashed up below her, 'SHERIFF LUCILLE JOHNSON'.

She paused. "Hey, uhh, bartender? Who's that up there?"

"Oh, that? Sheriff Lucille? You must be from out of town. We're the largest city in America with a black female sheriff. She does a dang good job around here too, that's why she's been re-elected five times."

"Then... who was that I was just in here with?"

"Don't follow. You're asking ME who YOU were in the bar with?" said the bartender, head tilted like a cocker spaniel.

"That wasn't the sheriff?"

"Now, I KNOW you ain't had that many. There's a bit of a difference, if you catch my meaning."

"Then who was he? Shit."

She dashed out into the lobby to see a few people milling around, the young girl at the counter... but no Kirk. He was gone, and the diamond and the big-bellied man were nowhere to be found. She walked up to the desk, and asked if anyone had left something in the hotel safe.

"The what now?"

"The hotel safe."

"We don't have a safe."

"I'm guessing you don't have a sister's ex-husband either?"

"I also don't have a Jaguar. What are you getting at?"

"Ah hell."

do you know helen green? Because you look like helen green.

2009-03-19T21:22:00.002-05:00

I've heard that when you're in polite company, it's not nice to bring up the subjects of sex, religion, or politics in discussion.

I heard that from this nun while she was nailing Joe Biden.

multiculturalism in the space program

2009-03-13T16:29:00.001-05:00

So, I just heard an interesting song by the Police, apparently it's about the role Hispanics from the neighborhood will play someday in interstellar travel...

Joaquin, back from your house, Joaquin on the moon...

My impression of....

2009-03-11T12:03:00.003-05:00

behind the scenes at the White House...

Apparently there was a camera onsite when Obama asked Biden to be his runningmate. Biden's reaction is kind of a surprise, apparently he felt he should be the head of the ticket, even though he could never quite get over that public perception problem...

Or, for those of us jonesing for the whole scene...

even randomer thought...

2009-02-26T14:17:00.001-05:00

So, apparently there's a movie coming out where Nicolas Cage gets a list of where all the disasters and bombs are going to go off and has to try and stop them.

To which, I have to say... if that's the case, why did he still make Bangkok Dangerous anyway?

random thought....

2009-02-19T13:20:00.003-05:00

someday, I'd like to have tricked somebody... to the point where once they realize my having gotten the better of them, they are compelled to drop to both knees, shake both fists in the air and just shout "GERBEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!" at the top of their lungs in an empty room.

the move thing

2009-02-16T22:37:00.002-05:00

I was thinking of sharing some thoughts and updates on "the little move before the big move", and disproving the notion that you can't go home again. But I figure most everyone who would read this know about it.

So, if you have any interest in hearing about the move (i.e. weren't PART of it), let me know.

My impression of...

2009-02-04T10:57:00.003-05:00

Obama apologizing to the media for having four of his top appointment nominees revealed to have serious legal issues.

Obama [with puppy eyes]: "Gee, I'm so sorry guys. This was all my bad, for real."

Media pool: "Yeah, well... OHHHH you, come here... I just stay mad at you. Who's a good boy? Yes you are!"

snow? you bastard!

2009-01-20T01:10:00.002-05:00

I openly admit to stealing this from a stand-up routine I heard once, but hey I thought it was funny enough to share...

When watching local news, I hate that awkward toss over to the weather guy, when the anchor always has that conceited mock-upset tone in blaming the weatherman for a bad day, as if it's his fault. "Rain again? THANKS Bob."

It's not as if the weather guy's going to throw it back and say "Three more murders? WAY TO GO, Steve."

random thoughts from the weekend of Richard and Jenny

2009-01-19T00:16:00.005-05:00

This is the first time in a while I've put something up here without thinking it through in advance, so excuse a little stream of consciousness.

Some observations from the weekend, in no particular order and perhaps of no particular relevance to anyone who wasn't present.

* I don't care if NO ONE else thinks it's funny... I'm still going to call it "Our Lady of the Orange and Green."

* Any bar where four people can sit making balloon animals and not get a single sideways look probably has earned its nickname as "The Star Wars Bar." (or, for the good and nerdy among us, The Mos Eisley Cantina)

* Everything was very nice, and I'm very happy for them, and I look forward to hanging together... but at the same time I'll also be happy if this doesn't mean the end of the occasional cigar night.

* Was actually surprised that I enjoyed heading out for Indian. And third wheeling it at that. But hey, it got me out and with good peeps.

* If that's being "single", then I'm a vermicious knid.

* I don't pretend to know a lot about this stuff... but offhand I'd guess it's a good thing that the first question from everyone is where she is. it's a great thing that no matter where it is I wish she was there :)

* I'm drained. And I didn't even have anything official to do. THEY must be zombies by this point.

* Guess I saw both my future and my past today... in that order, and within a few hours of each other. Interesting experience.

* I'd like to thank Lisa's sister for welts, a sudden taste for veal, and an invisibility cloak.

* At least there wasn't a chicken dance. But... mariachis? That's different.

* Kinda interesting experience, and maybe a sign of the times, that I saw this one from "Jennie is going to move back to Miami and will probably start dating Richard." to this. A few years in between!

* I think it's funny that the guy who gave the worst gift ever ever in the history of ever (well, maybe second worst gift, to "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?")... I think it's funny he's still trying to justify it as NOT having been an idiotic move.

top 5 resons Dark Knight sucked.

2009-01-12T14:28:00.003-05:00

Everyone's all giddy about Dark Knight, the most recent Batman movie. And it's only going to come up more now that it's "award season".

So, here's the 5 biggest problems I have with the movie.

5. What the hell is Scarecrow doing in this movie? He seems to be thrown in so randomly. It was a well-written and interesting character in the first one, and now he's thrown in in a way that only seems like the second scene with the first one explaining it somehow on the cutting room floor. It's basically "How do we give a wink and a nod to people who liked the first one? Well Scarecrow's still alive, let's throw him in a parking lot small-batch drug deal that Batman busts up. I'm sure no one will wonder what he's doing there, or why Batman is interested in this one small nickel-and-dime deal then goes back to fighting roving painted lunatics."

I mean, for all the sense of having him in the scene, he might as well have gotten out of the van and said "It's the Scarecrow. With my friends Huckleberry Finn, Don Quixote and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now, do you want this dimebag?"

4. All that running around must make him breathless. Enough already with Bruce Wayne / Batman heavy breathing. Is he a superhero or a phone sex operator?

3. Joker's motivations (or lack thereof). I guess having a villain who isn't doing it for any REASON... someone who's just flat-out maniacal, is a little different. Though as an audience member you still feel a bit cheated by not having a rationale. But you can't really simultaneously be calculating but without a purpose, mad but organized, interested only in chaos yet trying to protect yourself... In Silence of the Lambs, you don't see Buffalo Bill being concerned with how he's going to make his house payments, it just makes for a more confusing character, not a deeper one. And hell even he had reasons, even if they were carnal. Hell, Nicholson's Joker was maniacal, but if you're gonna be insane you should be at least a little sloppy.

2. Maggie Gyllenhaal just seems bored. She acts the same around her life long love as she does Commissioner Gordon as she does the Joker. She seems disinterested and devoid of emotion. Great movie heroines, you can tell what their thoughts and hopes and emotions are even if you had the sound off. Here, you can't even tell what she wants. Ingrid Bergman could have single-handedly ruined Casablanca if she'd been this blank throughout.

1. The end of Batman Begins

Ra's al Ghul: Have you finally learned to do what is necessary?
Bruce Wayne: I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you.

How are you going to have Dark Knight be about whether Batman's willing to off a baddie if he's already made that decision in the first one?

polimpressionism

2009-01-11T22:04:00.004-05:00

My impression of...

the average media member. Picture a late 30s newspaper editor in his pjs and socks on a bed with Hannah Montana posters on the wall.

"Did you see Obama on the cover of this month's Esquire OH MY GOD he is so dreamy. His eyes look really, like, thoughtful, ya know? I'm serious! I bet he likes ponies. I like ponies.

We should TOTALLY do a story on him. No, like, another one. So people can see how awesome he is."

but my couscous!!!

2009-01-11T00:25:00.004-05:00

Here's a treat for anyone who stumbles across this and is around my age...

"The Boys / Girls of Rock n' Roll" scene from the Chipmunk Movie or whatever it was called. Not that weird-ass thing that came out a year or so ago with My Name is Earl, this is the late 80s cartoon movie where they go around the world, and there was, like, someone smuggling diamonds in toys or something. Anyway, I always thought this song and this scene were fun.

Man, that Chipette was a tease.

I'm gonna ask TLMS if, when we go around Europe, if I can dance on the side of a hot air balloon. I'm sure that's all sortsa safe.

Interesting point for comparison... God bless YouTube, I guess... someone with more spare time and the right equipment apparently posted what the "original voices" would have sounded like.

And to truly prove the utility of the Internet... someone apparently did one set to scenes of Harry Potter because... ummm okay so I don't actually know why.

Convening the court of Man Law

2009-01-07T20:57:00.004-05:00

Two cases to be considered... one involving me and one I witnessed. Looking for Man Law rulings...

For the first one.... I don't know these people's names, I'm just gonna pick random names so I don't have to keep saying "first guy" and "second guy", etc.

[i]Good Faith Effort?[/i]

Scene is a football game... Josephus and Mortimer are squeezing by to get out past the end of the row. Pancho isn't in his seat but he left a nearly full beer there, Mortimer accidentally knocks it over. He promises Pancho's friends he'll replace it.

While J&M are gone, it turns out Pancho and his friends are "mistakenly" in the wrong seats, and the real owners come back. Josephus and Mortimer come back WITH an extra compensation beer for Pancho, who of course now is nowhere to be found. After holding it for a couple of minutes they decide to give the extra beer away to their buddy Alouicious.

Pancho comes back about 20-30 minutes later and demands his beer. They say they brought one for him but he was nowhere to be found. He wants $12 compensation, though J&M insist a beer is only $8. He eventually gets frustrated and leaves.

So.... Josephus and Mortimer did their Man Law job? When they spilled the beer they made a "good faith effort" to replace it and kept it for a reasonable time? Or when you knock over a beer are you 100% OBLIGED to replace it?

Case 2: Mitigating circumstances...

Okay so I did something I've never done before. I left a football game early. A bowl game at that! Butbutbutbutbut...

consider:
1. They were free tickets, a gift.
2. Wasn't sitting with a group, just with TLMS.
3. I didn't have any particular rooting interest for either team.
4. It was fairly cold and windy (well, cold and windy by Miami standards). And TLMS gets cold way before I do, and I thought it was cold, so that tells ya something.
5. We stayed till it was, barring some really record-breaking miracles, no longer in doubt.
6. The seats were at an odd angle. We were in the corner of one end zone and only a few rows up from the field. Which is great, unless you're trying to figure out what's going on on the far side of the field.
7. It was after midnight, and TLMS lives maybe 30-35 miles from the stadium, and then I have to come back halfway again from there to my own place. And I had to work the next day.

I want you to stop saying the filthflarn, filthflarn, filth.

2009-01-07T20:31:00.004-05:00

If you haven't seen this... a) where have you been anyway, and b) it's pretty dang funny. It's Eddie Murphy doing a Bill Cosby impression as part of his 80s standup routine.

I especially like this because given some of the things Bill Cosby has said, politically, since then... I imagine the conversation was actually really pretty close to this.

Incidentally, this ain't even a little bit "office appropriate".

Not till we plan our Martin Luther King Day celebrations

2009-01-06T10:36:00.001-05:00

I think, with 30 and Chismis and New Years now all being behind us, we're officially on the clock like the Detroit Lions. Sunday, May 17. Still in shock, mostly, I think...

I'm wondering...

2008-12-30T22:39:00.003-05:00

If 30 minutes (thanks Sarah!) on the Wii Fit (thanks Mom!) deserves a cigar (thanks Hilary!) and a glass of scotch (thanks Steve!) out by the water (ummm thanks me) with a good book (thanks Sarah's folks) :)

random thoughts from running errands...

2008-12-28T14:59:00.005-05:00

* I am, apparently and not much of a surprise, "the kind of guy who goes into a Whole Foods, but only to buy beer and turn around and leave."

* I was going to think about giving up on my wash and fold place, they raised their prices and it was expensive even before that. Although... I walked in and they had two laundry bags hanging on the wall for sale --- one GARNET and one GOLD. I think I'll stick with them a while :)

* Regardless of your particular politics, I think you'd have to admit... someone saying Caroline Kennedy Schlossburg, because of having no previous experience and only a famous name, faces an uphill battle for the senate seat of Senator Hillary CLINTON... ummmm...

* There's no one around but me. But regardless, I'm hoping I smell "musky". Ya know, as opposed to "like I just spilled a half a cup of coffee on my shirt".

* Vacation vault? Really?

* I went down an alley, and got stuck behind a Chinese guy loading up BUCKETS of soy sauce into the back of a pickup truck behind a restaurant. And all I could think of was... man what I wouldn't give for 200 or so steamed dumplings.

* I get the Odessa part, because we were talking about a player being from Odessa, FL when watching the game. Where I got writing a term paper on the movie Jaws I have no idea.

* I think people that make a big deal about Wal-Mart or LL Bean or whoever NOT wishing them a Merry Christmas, saying happy holidays instead, are kinda missing the point. I mean, MY definition of Christmas has nothing to do with 10% off of anything... and it certainly doesn't include elves or retail (except perhaps for a couple of guys picking up myrrh at the local myrrhateria). So if Santa becomes part of the secular HAPPY HOLIDAYS, and Christmas goes back to being the realm of Christmas celebraters... well that ain't necessarily all bad.

30.

2008-12-18T11:12:00.002-05:00

In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

How am I spending 30? The way most people would, I suspect. Drinking Jack Daniels flavored coffee out of a giant Figment cup and watching Star Wars on an old TV.

toldja there'd be some random stuff on here...

2008-12-15T23:18:00.003-05:00

I wonder sometimes what's the strangest thing I could say in a meeting and not have people just stop and say WTF (or, at least, you gotta knock that stuff off)...

Here's a couple you can expect to hear me work into conversations soon:

"Oh sure... you work every day, you pay your bills, you pay your taxes... but you molest ONE goat and suddenly you're that crazy goat molesting guy."

"Hey, you guys remember that episode of Gilligan's Island when the huts caught on fire, but they realized the roofs were made out of marijuana leaves and everyone just sat around getting high?"

"Newspapers are having a hard time with their current economic model. I think they should switch to marketing a use nobody ever talks about... their utility as a method for catching animal poo."

I had some more, but honestly they were too random even for a thread like this.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Mogwai

2008-12-10T21:48:00.002-05:00

It's a bit odd that whenever I hear this...

Darlene Love's version of Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)...

all I can think of is the opening of Gremlins.

Probably my favorite Christmas song, or at least one I really wish I'd hear more often...

Someday at Christmas by Stevie Wonder.

I am NOT an old coot. I have a blog!

2008-12-10T20:50:00.002-05:00

Is it a bad sign that the shows I watch seem to generally have ads for hearing aids and power scooters? I know Boston Legal went out talking about how they're the only show with 50+ yr. old stars, but it is (errr was) a legitimately funny show. I can watch it just find without adult diapers, thanks.

the revolution will not be televised

2008-12-01T20:56:00.004-05:00

but it might be blogged... there seems to be the return of a generous (or ign'nt) neighbor, and as such stay tuned because I might have more postings here.

A couple of random thoughts...

Christmas movies --- the meaning of Christmas is not being with your family. It's not about friends or togetherness or any of that. It's about the Nativity. Is Charlie Brown the only one who understands this?

It's really hard to get excited about the Champs Sports Bowl.

I'm supposed to have an opinion about china patterns? Really? I thought my theory about getting an extra set so I can learn how to skeet-shoot was a damned fundamentally sound idea ;-)

I've heard the explanation a couple of times now, and I still gotta say "Eagle and Child" is a damned odd name.

I'm 2-22 in Scrabble. I'm like the Cam Cameron of Scrabbling.