Better living through multiple choice

In honor of Megatron's birthday, because I haven't told the story in a while, and to see who's paying attention… Can you guess which of the three is the real reason why we call her that?

A) you have to be really careful with kids identities online these days. The codename is a way we can share stories without anybody who doesn't really know her being able to come take her from a school or playground. It's not as if you can sign out Megatron from a daycare.

B) most of the time she is pretty awesome, but when she transforms she is a total source of destruction... So we nicknamed her after the biggest baddest bad guy on the transformers. 

C) it was actually just a stupid joke that kind of stuck. We honestly had no idea what to call her until literally the day she was born, and I had been joking for years that our child would be Megatron Hezekiah Gerber because I'm an unreformed 80s nostalgia bug and TheMrs does a lot with the church so the middle name should be something archaic.

The secret is I pooped.

Because I'm Republican, because I watched every single episode of 24, and because I have a supremely dorky sense of humor...

Whenever we are giving Megatron a bath and it comes to pouring the water over her head, I will take a moment to shout at her WHERE'S THE BOMB???"

In which I meet 2014 Bradley

2015 me: Hey, apparently I've come back in time exactly one year to chat with you/me briefly.

2014 me: That's amazing. What's that little device you're holding, is that what brought you here?

2015 me: yeah. It's a plot device.

2014: that's a really thin plot device.

2015: yeah, flimsy too.

2014: you look really tired.

2015: we don't get much sleep anymore. The nights are just filled with waking up at all hours, the crying, the constant whining and always needing to be in the bed with us...

2014: Megatron is really that bad, huh?

2015: what? Oh, no she's golden. It's the cat. He's still a pain.

2014: oh... Umm... Good? Hey, which stocks should I buy, 2015 me?

2015: Dude, you know we don't pay attention to stuff like that.

2014: cool. Well... Go Dolphins, right?


Sent from my iPhone

Please sir, k'n I have some more?

Anybody know where I can buy language CDs that'll train up Megatron so that when she starts talking it's with a British accent?

Preferably a 19th century Dickensian street urchin / ruffian one if possible.

I think that'd make TheMrs. ever-so-pleased.

But Megatron was Japanese

A lot of people say "Megatron" looks like me.

Which is a good thing, since I hear about 1 in 5 people born today is Chinese. So we're fairly lucky she's not 😝

Because you can't spell babies without BS

Whether it's from sitcoms and movies (always a great place to get medical knowledge), classes, or just "the ether", one way or another it seems there were a lot of things I was told to expect with a baby that, at least 3 1/2 months into Project Megatron, ain't happened yet.

* "Expect poopapalooza. Your life is just gonna become a world of poop. You'll wonder how so much poop could come out of one little body!"

Umm... Most days, the baby doesn't poop at all. When she does, it's once, MAYBE twice. Maybe this changes when they're on solids? For now, it's certainly a pile of diapers, but not much to do with doodoo.

* "You'll be able to distinguish her different cries in no time!"

This is half-true. She has a very whimpery, tired half-cry when she's tired. She has an ALARM!!!! scream when she's in pain or scared. But other than these extremes... Guessing whether she's hungry or needs to be changed or just bored really depends mainly on knowing how long it's been since the last whatever.

* "You'll forget all the pain of childbirth once you see her little face."

Granted, I'm a little unqualified to opine one this one, what with being mainly a non-innocent bystander. That said, if you forget the pain of that, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's because you got some really strong narcotics as part of the process, not because your littlun came out with handfuls of Magic Forgety Love Dust.

* "Be ready to call the pediatrician a million times. With the silliest questions!"

I kinda feel like this is a leftover from the days before smartphones and "Dr. Google." Again, granted that's not the best place to get your medical advice, but it does help for a lot of quick "how concerned should I be that..." kind of questions.

It also helps to have an OBGYN sister with two boys already. If you have that as an option I highly recommend it.

* "The booger removal squeezie thing will be your new best friend! Get five and keep them everywhere!"

Ummm... Megatron has not yet had a cold (for which I am thankful), so this hasn't yet come up even once.

* "You'll be counting those little fingers and toes a hundred times at first."

What? Just... No. They told me she was healthy, I checked, and that was it.

* "During that last few months get ready because your wife might be really... YOU KNOW... winkwink"

What, tired? Uncomfortable? Concerned about the coming pain and also how life is going to change forever? Cuz... all that seemed pretty reasonable.

* "Even if you have trouble settling on a name, you'll know the right one the moment you see her."

We had a list of about 5 that worked for either of us. I finally picked one. But even a few months in I can't really say she's obviously not one of the other names. Or even what a Baby X or Baby Y looks like.

* "You'll be wrapped around her finger instantly."

I don't think I really fully understood the difference between a newborn and an older infant. Infants have personalities, recognize Daddy, can be distracted by things... Now after three months she'll laugh and smile... But a newborn doesn't really DO anything or INTERACT.

Relationships are built upon shared experiences. It'll come, but it might not be right out of the gate. At first, it's mainly about keeping her alive and unharmed, adjusting to your new reality.

* "Be ready to be welcomed into the great big universal club... the commiseration of parents, they'll wink at you and say Yup! Been there, pardner!"

Sorry, but it's absolutely human nature to divide into camps... Team Us and Team Them. And some people are just judgmental by nature. So there's a lot of sub-sub-subgroupings.

There aren't really moms, there are breastfeeding moms, formula moms, supplementing moms, cloth diaper moms, disposable diaper moms, all-natural everything moms, BabyWise moms...



I think that's it for now. I'll think of more. What BabieS BS did you experience with your little bundle of Your Mileage May Vary?

My solemn vow

I hereby pledge not to give Megatron's age out in weird amounts that require extensive mathing.

"Oh she's 21 months!"

"Crap ok... 12 months in a year so that's 9 left over, but we're only seven months into the year so that means really it was November three years ago? Or December? Does this month count as a month?"

I'll stick to reasonable fractions of years or just say when she was born and leave it at that

The answer to the one and only question

No, not 42.

This is all I ever get to say to anyone anymore.

I'm sleeping okay. When things "go right", we give Megatron a bottle and put her down by about 10 pm. She can sleep till 3 am or even 4 am, TheMrs feeds her (I'm helping out as needed). This feeding & changing is generally 45 mins - 1 hr. Then when I get up for work around 6:40 am hopefully she's still asleep.

Now... You have to think of something else to ask when you see me 😏

An open letter to Koala Baby Changing Tables

To the company responsible for Koala brand Baby Changing Tables,

Your product appears to be defective.

I placed Megatron on it, left her there for a minute, picked her up... still the same baby.

Megatron week one

It's now been one week since "Megatron" joined us. I want to get some thoughts out for posterity, and hopefully some things more interesting than just "She's cute, we're tired."

- We're SO appreciative of the time, insights, and support provided by my sistah, the doctah. She made a beeline over here when the contractions started heavy and stayed right by our side... basically sleeping in a chair for a night, meeting us at the hospital, talking with all the doctors and nurses and answering every possible question.

She even saved us from an underinformed pharamacist, whose misinformation would have made TheMrs's recovery much more challenging. She was also there when we had to make a tough decision on just how the kiddo would join us, and through all the best and the worst of the first stages. :) Our moms have been great as well... the only way TheMrs has been able to get some extra catnaps whilst the kiddo is well taken care of.

- We didn't expect her to be over 10 pounds. Or to be 22 inches long. Or to be born with a full head of hair! I'm clinging to the notion that a bigger baby has a headstart on the stages of growth. We'll see if that holds up.

- SwaddleMe was a great idea. I'm really glad someone came up with it, and it's come in handy.

- We took a few classes on things like diapering, nursing, how to be a good dad, etc. We've also solicited advice from family, and read a few books. Has it made everything super-smooth and made it easy-peasy? Of course not. But hopefully it has served us a couple of ways... not making some of the dumber mistakes, understanding why things happen, developing a sense of what's "normal" for newborns that hopefully lessens after a little time, and other things in that category. Hopefully it's at least braced us a bit.

- TheMrs is doing really well so far, handling the new reality like a pro and taking good care of "Megatron". I'm trying to help out where I can along the way... little chores here and there, holding the kiddo long enough for breaks/getting things done, etc. It will be especially challenging once I head back to regular work, but for now it's been doable.

Onward and upward!

Better living through Night Court Season 15

I'm sure I learned pretty much everything I need to know about the childbirth process from the most informative source ever... 80s and early 90s sitcoms.

Let's see...

* At some point she has to shout "YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!" That's usually right before the last push.

* I have to wear a (tear away) long-sleeved dress shirt so she can rip one sleeve off.

* For some reason I will be sent to go boil water.

* one of the nurses must be heavy-set, black, and not about to take no sass, sugar.

* we have to take as many taxicabs as possible the mile or so from here to the hospital because that's where the baby is usually born. That or in a broken elevator, with a nervous man in a dark business suit.

That pretty much covers it, right?

Kiddo Klass

Class covers important issues including:

* how to sit in the waiting room smoking cigars whilst all the nasty business is being taken care of

* do you tip the doctor?

* how old does a baby have to be to bring you your slippers?

Think they'll have that on the mug in the gift shop?

You really should choose for your child a name that's something original, and yet something with which you have a positive association.

That's why we're eagerly anticipating the coming arrival of MostofTheScenesInReturnOfTheJediThatDon'tHaveEwoks Washington Gerber.

Gimme a million dollars and I'll call her whatever you want

So have you picked a name?

Nunya.

Nunya? That's unusual. What is that, Russian?

Short for "Nunya Damn Business."