Also, political prisoners are made to watch Ghost Dad on a loop

Apparently China will not permit the new Ghostbusters movie to be shown in its theaters, as its censorship rules include blocking anything seen to promote "cults" or "superstition"... Probably a good idea, as you know what those sorts of films can lead to...

The secret is I pooped.

Because I'm Republican, because I watched every single episode of 24, and because I have a supremely dorky sense of humor...

Whenever we are giving Megatron a bath and it comes to pouring the water over her head, I will take a moment to shout at her WHERE'S THE BOMB???"

I call him Ted Ginn Junior Junior.

I've come to the conclusion that fantasy football teams are a little like pets. Nobody really wants to hear anything about yours, they just want an excuse to talk about their own.

Factor in the apparent importance of picking just the right wacky name and the requirement of only basic maintenance... 😺

In which I meet 2014 Bradley

2015 me: Hey, apparently I've come back in time exactly one year to chat with you/me briefly.

2014 me: That's amazing. What's that little device you're holding, is that what brought you here?

2015 me: yeah. It's a plot device.

2014: that's a really thin plot device.

2015: yeah, flimsy too.

2014: you look really tired.

2015: we don't get much sleep anymore. The nights are just filled with waking up at all hours, the crying, the constant whining and always needing to be in the bed with us...

2014: Megatron is really that bad, huh?

2015: what? Oh, no she's golden. It's the cat. He's still a pain.

2014: oh... Umm... Good? Hey, which stocks should I buy, 2015 me?

2015: Dude, you know we don't pay attention to stuff like that.

2014: cool. Well... Go Dolphins, right?


Sent from my iPhone

Okay Detlef Schrempf what next?

Waze has a new option where you can choose to get GPS directions from Vlade Divac.

Was that something people were clamoring for?

Was Manute Bol busy?

I feel like Vlade Divac knocked on their office door one day and said "Here. I had a little time so I recorded every turn and direction for you." and they just kinda said they'd take it to be polite.

Did you mean to say Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz?

Random thought... If you type in German does iPhone still helpfully suggest other similar words you may be about to use?

Three suggestions and each one is something like schwarzswinehundfluffenveldt? It seems that'd take most of der screen ja?

An open letter to Koala Baby Changing Tables

To the company responsible for Koala brand Baby Changing Tables,

Your product appears to be defective.

I placed Megatron on it, left her there for a minute, picked her up... still the same baby.

Think they'll have that on the mug in the gift shop?

You really should choose for your child a name that's something original, and yet something with which you have a positive association.

That's why we're eagerly anticipating the coming arrival of MostofTheScenesInReturnOfTheJediThatDon'tHaveEwoks Washington Gerber.

How about a Jar Jar Binks prisoner exchange?

So, Sony is quashing The Interview in response to terrorist threats from interests in North Korea.

If they really wanted to get some international heft, the North Korean government shoulda blocked Matrix Reloaded. I think we could have given a Nobel Peace Prize for intervening there.

They should make the whole plane out of the turkey

Blah blah after the turkey something something a-NAP-polis!!!

Wokka wokka

Updating

"Uhhh yes I'd like to exchange this LeBron Heat jersey for a Dolphins jersey.

Which one? Oh... Is Jason Taylor still on the team? Wait no I heard he might go to the Jets or something."

First Church of Bacon: Confession

Bless me fryer friar, for I have sinned. It's been like 12 hours since I last had sausages.

So, there's this whole cottage nerdherd industry that's popped up around pointing out that eating bacon is a damned fine idea.

There are shirts proclaiming the love of bacon. BaconFreak.com is a store site entirely dedicated to all the products you can get, including a not-small page called "Bacon Beverages" (which apparently is distinct from the "Swine & Wine" section). Jim Gaffigan has a whole shtick in his standup routine about bacon in all its awesome glory.

Here's my penance. I love bacon. I also am a (sadly increasingly) big fan of ham. And sausage. And pepperoni. And pork chops. See, it turns out that pork can often be prepared into a variety of tasty dishes.

So, why are we treating bacon like it's something we just discovered and named for the first time ever?

Gimme a million dollars and I'll call her whatever you want

So have you picked a name?

Nunya.

Nunya? That's unusual. What is that, Russian?

Short for "Nunya Damn Business."

Ebola? More like SHEbola! Am I right? Huh?

Gonna launch a new app, specifically for people who want to get the latest stats, profiles and news on today's professional bowlers.

I'm calling it E-bowla.

I'm hoping it goes viral.

Also... Army uniform now comes with sneakers.

This blog has received EXCLUSIVE VIDEO of how, exactly, the Obama administration expects to honor its promise that it can confront ISIL in Iraq and Syria without introducing any boots on the ground.

As Irish as French fries

Gonna start a band specifically built around lip synching songs for Riverdance albums. It's gonna be called Sham Rock.

Cuz you gotta have dreams. And class.

I think really my secret deepest goal is someday to be rich enough and connected enough that I can make donations to legislators just to get them to put random shit out there on official record.

Like, giving a state senator a thousand bucks to find a way to legitimately use "#SimpsonsDidIt !!!" from the floor.

Or tossing a congressman $10,000 to say "Mr. chair, I'd like to take a moment of personal privilege if I might. Ahem. MONKEYS!!!!!!!! Thank you."

ANOTHER New German Word...

Clockensqueel --- The euphoric feeling on those rare occurrences when something wakes you up in the middle of the night and you roll over to look at the clock thinking "I bet it's almost 6:30. Please don't be almost 6:30 I'm still so tired." and it's only like 12:45 AM and you still have plenty of time to sleep.

Too hard to be an I- and an O' before everything?

http://allthingsd.com/20130310/online-betting-site-intrade-shuts-down/

So apparently the Ireland-based trading site Intrade is shutting down because of “financial irregularities which, in accordance with Irish law," require them to cease operations. It's one of those sites where you can bet on non-sports stuff, like presidential elections.

I'm thinking there's a joke in there somewhere regarding weird finances and an Irish website for bookmaking. Something about the potatoes ->  shamrocks exchange rate. But I can't quite put it together.

Not (entirely) because it's racist/lazy... more because the humor's only marginal...

And everyone knows you don't go marginal on potatoes, you need to use better.

No. That was... wow but did that suck.

Thou Shalt Meme

We watched the Bible miniseries last night... 

I dunno, I think they may be taking some liberties with some of it. I don't remember the part about Noah and all the animals doing a Harlem Shake video.