Wednesday, June 25, 2008

A Sprinkling For the May Queen

Kelli was nervous. More to the point, she was concerned that someone could figure out WHY she was nervous, and that made her even more nervous. Outwardly though, she was safe because almost no one knew the plot she was a part of. Only one other person in the studio audience knew her secret, and it was her partner in crime. Everyone else would have just thought she was biting her nails because the time had come for the million dollar song.

Wayne Brady had already made some lighthearted but fairly suggestive comments about the beautiful and "top-heavy" blonde. In this respect, she had to admire the plan when it was presented to her. She got their attention for the same reason she got the attention of the show's producers, the same reasons girls with her build always got attention. She'd expressed doubts early on but somehow it had worked just as they'd said and she was onto the final round.

The song she was to be tasked with was Stairway to Heaven. She knew the song but was sure she didn't know the specific words. But then she hadn't known the words of the last four songs either. She shook her head in disbelief at how things were going.

She stumbled her way through the beginning of the million dollar Zeppelin song. It came to the part she was supposed to fill in and, as per usual, she drew a complete blank. Drawing on her drama skills, she crossed her arms and slowly lowered her head, as if seeking an answer. What no one could see was this was exactly what she was doing... visible only to her eyes under her crossed arms a series of words slowly appeared on the screen of her watch, carefully keyed in by the "gentleman" in the last row of the studio. Without lifting her head, she paused and said with a tone of disbelief,

"If there's a bustle... in your headrobe... don't be alarmed now. It's just a ... sprinkling... for the the may queen." The studio fell silent for a very long beat, followed by a tone triumphantly announcing she had won and the game was over, she had conned her share of the million...or so she thought.

In the celebration that ensued and before the host could officially declare her the winner, a random guy from the front row ran on stage to be part of the hugging and the celebration. He was using the foulest language and, inconveniently, a rather loud tone to do it. "Oh shit, that was f---ing unbelievable! You're f---ing amazing!" He jumped around her in circles holding her arms. When the commotion calmed a bit, a booming, faceless voice filled the studio...

"Ummm... we're going to have to do it again."

It was the producer.

She was confused. "Wait... what? What do you mean? I did what I was supposed to... I mean... that's it, right? I won."

More from the ether:

"We can't use that. We'll have to go one more time, and we're having that man taken out of the studio. We can't broadcast that. Don't worry, though, we'll give you the same song, just act like you don't know it."

She was frustrated, but figured this to be only a temporary delay as she tried to get in the frame of mind to act blank one more time.

"Oh, and Kelli?", the voice added... "this time don't cross your arms. We need you to look into the camera, please."