Tuesday, January 20, 2009

snow? you bastard!

I openly admit to stealing this from a stand-up routine I heard once, but hey I thought it was funny enough to share...

When watching local news, I hate that awkward toss over to the weather guy, when the anchor always has that conceited mock-upset tone in blaming the weatherman for a bad day, as if it's his fault. "Rain again? THANKS Bob."

It's not as if the weather guy's going to throw it back and say "Three more murders? WAY TO GO, Steve."

Monday, January 19, 2009

random thoughts from the weekend of Richard and Jenny

This is the first time in a while I've put something up here without thinking it through in advance, so excuse a little stream of consciousness.

Some observations from the weekend, in no particular order and perhaps of no particular relevance to anyone who wasn't present.

* I don't care if NO ONE else thinks it's funny... I'm still going to call it "Our Lady of the Orange and Green."

* Any bar where four people can sit making balloon animals and not get a single sideways look probably has earned its nickname as "The Star Wars Bar." (or, for the good and nerdy among us, The Mos Eisley Cantina)

* Everything was very nice, and I'm very happy for them, and I look forward to hanging together... but at the same time I'll also be happy if this doesn't mean the end of the occasional cigar night.

* Was actually surprised that I enjoyed heading out for Indian. And third wheeling it at that. But hey, it got me out and with good peeps.

* If that's being "single", then I'm a vermicious knid.

* I don't pretend to know a lot about this stuff... but offhand I'd guess it's a good thing that the first question from everyone is where she is. it's a great thing that no matter where it is I wish she was there :)

* I'm drained. And I didn't even have anything official to do. THEY must be zombies by this point.

* Guess I saw both my future and my past today... in that order, and within a few hours of each other. Interesting experience.

* I'd like to thank Lisa's sister for welts, a sudden taste for veal, and an invisibility cloak.

* At least there wasn't a chicken dance. But... mariachis? That's different.

* Kinda interesting experience, and maybe a sign of the times, that I saw this one from "Jennie is going to move back to Miami and will probably start dating Richard." to this. A few years in between!

* I think it's funny that the guy who gave the worst gift ever ever in the history of ever (well, maybe second worst gift, to "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?")... I think it's funny he's still trying to justify it as NOT having been an idiotic move.

Monday, January 12, 2009

top 5 resons Dark Knight sucked.

Everyone's all giddy about Dark Knight, the most recent Batman movie. And it's only going to come up more now that it's "award season".

So, here's the 5 biggest problems I have with the movie.

5. What the hell is Scarecrow doing in this movie? He seems to be thrown in so randomly. It was a well-written and interesting character in the first one, and now he's thrown in in a way that only seems like the second scene with the first one explaining it somehow on the cutting room floor. It's basically "How do we give a wink and a nod to people who liked the first one? Well Scarecrow's still alive, let's throw him in a parking lot small-batch drug deal that Batman busts up. I'm sure no one will wonder what he's doing there, or why Batman is interested in this one small nickel-and-dime deal then goes back to fighting roving painted lunatics."

I mean, for all the sense of having him in the scene, he might as well have gotten out of the van and said "It's the Scarecrow. With my friends Huckleberry Finn, Don Quixote and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now, do you want this dimebag?"

4. All that running around must make him breathless. Enough already with Bruce Wayne / Batman heavy breathing. Is he a superhero or a phone sex operator?

3. Joker's motivations (or lack thereof). I guess having a villain who isn't doing it for any REASON... someone who's just flat-out maniacal, is a little different. Though as an audience member you still feel a bit cheated by not having a rationale. But you can't really simultaneously be calculating but without a purpose, mad but organized, interested only in chaos yet trying to protect yourself... In Silence of the Lambs, you don't see Buffalo Bill being concerned with how he's going to make his house payments, it just makes for a more confusing character, not a deeper one. And hell even he had reasons, even if they were carnal. Hell, Nicholson's Joker was maniacal, but if you're gonna be insane you should be at least a little sloppy.

2. Maggie Gyllenhaal just seems bored. She acts the same around her life long love as she does Commissioner Gordon as she does the Joker. She seems disinterested and devoid of emotion. Great movie heroines, you can tell what their thoughts and hopes and emotions are even if you had the sound off. Here, you can't even tell what she wants. Ingrid Bergman could have single-handedly ruined Casablanca if she'd been this blank throughout.

1. The end of Batman Begins
Ra's al Ghul: Have you finally learned to do what is necessary?
Bruce Wayne: I won't kill you, but I don't have to save you.

How are you going to have Dark Knight be about whether Batman's willing to off a baddie if he's already made that decision in the first one?

Sunday, January 11, 2009


My impression of...

the average media member. Picture a late 30s newspaper editor in his pjs and socks on a bed with Hannah Montana posters on the wall.

"Did you see Obama on the cover of this month's Esquire OH MY GOD he is so dreamy. His eyes look really, like, thoughtful, ya know? I'm serious! I bet he likes ponies. I like ponies.

We should TOTALLY do a story on him. No, like, another one. So people can see how awesome he is."

but my couscous!!!

Here's a treat for anyone who stumbles across this and is around my age...

"The Boys / Girls of Rock n' Roll" scene from the Chipmunk Movie or whatever it was called. Not that weird-ass thing that came out a year or so ago with My Name is Earl, this is the late 80s cartoon movie where they go around the world, and there was, like, someone smuggling diamonds in toys or something. Anyway, I always thought this song and this scene were fun.

Man, that Chipette was a tease.

I'm gonna ask TLMS if, when we go around Europe, if I can dance on the side of a hot air balloon. I'm sure that's all sortsa safe.

Interesting point for comparison... God bless YouTube, I guess... someone with more spare time and the right equipment apparently posted what the "original voices" would have sounded like.

And to truly prove the utility of the Internet... someone apparently did one set to scenes of Harry Potter because... ummm okay so I don't actually know why.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Convening the court of Man Law

Two cases to be considered... one involving me and one I witnessed. Looking for Man Law rulings...

For the first one.... I don't know these people's names, I'm just gonna pick random names so I don't have to keep saying "first guy" and "second guy", etc.

[i]Good Faith Effort?[/i]

Scene is a football game... Josephus and Mortimer are squeezing by to get out past the end of the row. Pancho isn't in his seat but he left a nearly full beer there, Mortimer accidentally knocks it over. He promises Pancho's friends he'll replace it.

While J&M are gone, it turns out Pancho and his friends are "mistakenly" in the wrong seats, and the real owners come back. Josephus and Mortimer come back WITH an extra compensation beer for Pancho, who of course now is nowhere to be found. After holding it for a couple of minutes they decide to give the extra beer away to their buddy Alouicious.

Pancho comes back about 20-30 minutes later and demands his beer. They say they brought one for him but he was nowhere to be found. He wants $12 compensation, though J&M insist a beer is only $8. He eventually gets frustrated and leaves.

So.... Josephus and Mortimer did their Man Law job? When they spilled the beer they made a "good faith effort" to replace it and kept it for a reasonable time? Or when you knock over a beer are you 100% OBLIGED to replace it?

Case 2: Mitigating circumstances...

Okay so I did something I've never done before. I left a football game early. A bowl game at that! Butbutbutbutbut...

1. They were free tickets, a gift.
2. Wasn't sitting with a group, just with TLMS.
3. I didn't have any particular rooting interest for either team.
4. It was fairly cold and windy (well, cold and windy by Miami standards). And TLMS gets cold way before I do, and I thought it was cold, so that tells ya something.
5. We stayed till it was, barring some really record-breaking miracles, no longer in doubt.
6. The seats were at an odd angle. We were in the corner of one end zone and only a few rows up from the field. Which is great, unless you're trying to figure out what's going on on the far side of the field.
7. It was after midnight, and TLMS lives maybe 30-35 miles from the stadium, and then I have to come back halfway again from there to my own place. And I had to work the next day.

I want you to stop saying the filthflarn, filthflarn, filth.

If you haven't seen this... a) where have you been anyway, and b) it's pretty dang funny. It's Eddie Murphy doing a Bill Cosby impression as part of his 80s standup routine.

I especially like this because given some of the things Bill Cosby has said, politically, since then... I imagine the conversation was actually really pretty close to this.

Incidentally, this ain't even a little bit "office appropriate".

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Not till we plan our Martin Luther King Day celebrations

I think, with 30 and Chismis and New Years now all being behind us, we're officially on the clock like the Detroit Lions. Sunday, May 17. Still in shock, mostly, I think...