Monday, May 28, 2007

smacking myself in the face

or "You can never go home again".

This is not, contrary to appearance, going to be about my famous lack of grace and swan-like poetry in motion --- though it would be fitting. Rather, this is the sort of introspective epiphany usually found in these sort of self-indulgent egocentric blogs...

more simply put, here's something I've learned about me...

I had an odd experience this weekend, in essence a chance to go back to who I was. Over the long weekend with The Beautiful One out of town, I was basically back to doing what I have been for the past year or so --- sitting around playing bad video games, occasionally going out late with my friends barhopping or dinner with O Mein Mama. And I realized something...

while that's fun in small doses, and it's a nice, key part of a life, it's not enough. I saw who I was, I lived who I was... and I realized that I was, at best, wasting time and probably more likely bordering on unhappy. It's probably human nature not to ever be able to get true perspective on a situation you're in as solidly as you can in hindsight. I think I knew all along I was pissing life away... but regardless this futility really kind of surprised me.

It's not just that I'm not thrilled with who I was. It's that I wasn't thrilled with it even at the time.

What does it mean when you've come across someone in two blockbuster months that's changed your paradigm so much that even a jaded, stubborn soul openly embraces a new life as being brighter? Hmmm... we'll doubtless discuss more on that in months to come.

Someone very close to me, who is going to read this eventually, is going through a similarly interesting chapter right now. This person is, in a way, going back to the first time to what life was 7 years ago before some little curveballs and one rather big curveball came along... What will make it even more odd is that this person will be back in the same place physically as before the big changes came. But just as life is like toothpaste, refusing to go back in the tube, your environment will never be the same as time marches on.

I'll be interested to walk through this with her... I think she'll learn and grow from this. It won't be easy though. It's well-known separation makes you realize how much you appreciate the one you're missing... I think I'm learning that separation makes you look at yourself too.

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