Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Because you can't spell babies without BS

Whether it's from sitcoms and movies (always a great place to get medical knowledge), classes, or just "the ether", one way or another it seems there were a lot of things I was told to expect with a baby that, at least 3 1/2 months into Project Megatron, ain't happened yet.

* "Expect poopapalooza. Your life is just gonna become a world of poop. You'll wonder how so much poop could come out of one little body!"

Umm... Most days, the baby doesn't poop at all. When she does, it's once, MAYBE twice. Maybe this changes when they're on solids? For now, it's certainly a pile of diapers, but not much to do with doodoo.

* "You'll be able to distinguish her different cries in no time!"

This is half-true. She has a very whimpery, tired half-cry when she's tired. She has an ALARM!!!! scream when she's in pain or scared. But other than these extremes... Guessing whether she's hungry or needs to be changed or just bored really depends mainly on knowing how long it's been since the last whatever.

* "You'll forget all the pain of childbirth once you see her little face."

Granted, I'm a little unqualified to opine one this one, what with being mainly a non-innocent bystander. That said, if you forget the pain of that, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's because you got some really strong narcotics as part of the process, not because your littlun came out with handfuls of Magic Forgety Love Dust.

* "Be ready to call the pediatrician a million times. With the silliest questions!"

I kinda feel like this is a leftover from the days before smartphones and "Dr. Google." Again, granted that's not the best place to get your medical advice, but it does help for a lot of quick "how concerned should I be that..." kind of questions.

It also helps to have an OBGYN sister with two boys already. If you have that as an option I highly recommend it.

* "The booger removal squeezie thing will be your new best friend! Get five and keep them everywhere!"

Ummm... Megatron has not yet had a cold (for which I am thankful), so this hasn't yet come up even once.

* "You'll be counting those little fingers and toes a hundred times at first."

What? Just... No. They told me she was healthy, I checked, and that was it.

* "During that last few months get ready because your wife might be really... YOU KNOW... winkwink"

What, tired? Uncomfortable? Concerned about the coming pain and also how life is going to change forever? Cuz... all that seemed pretty reasonable.

* "Even if you have trouble settling on a name, you'll know the right one the moment you see her."

We had a list of about 5 that worked for either of us. I finally picked one. But even a few months in I can't really say she's obviously not one of the other names. Or even what a Baby X or Baby Y looks like.

* "You'll be wrapped around her finger instantly."

I don't think I really fully understood the difference between a newborn and an older infant. Infants have personalities, recognize Daddy, can be distracted by things... Now after three months she'll laugh and smile... But a newborn doesn't really DO anything or INTERACT.

Relationships are built upon shared experiences. It'll come, but it might not be right out of the gate. At first, it's mainly about keeping her alive and unharmed, adjusting to your new reality.

* "Be ready to be welcomed into the great big universal club... the commiseration of parents, they'll wink at you and say Yup! Been there, pardner!"

Sorry, but it's absolutely human nature to divide into camps... Team Us and Team Them. And some people are just judgmental by nature. So there's a lot of sub-sub-subgroupings.

There aren't really moms, there are breastfeeding moms, formula moms, supplementing moms, cloth diaper moms, disposable diaper moms, all-natural everything moms, BabyWise moms...

I think that's it for now. I'll think of more. What BabieS BS did you experience with your little bundle of Your Mileage May Vary?

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